by John Patrick, Michael Murphy (1999)
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) was
one of the foremost writers of the 19th - century. His stories of war, of
despair, of horror, of the mysterious, were epoch defining and continue to
influence literature. For his wit he was called the Mark Twain of the North. He
was the chum of Jack London and the mentor of H. L.
Mencken. The very first tract he wrote was a defense of atheism and
freethought, a theme he would never leave.
His meager childhood was brightened, and he was ultimately empowered by his
father, who gave him the love of history and literature. At 19 he enlisted, and
was seared by his experiences in the Civil War, where he served with
distinction. Afterwards, he wrote over a thousand columns for various
newspapers. William Randolph Hearst secured him as soon as he acquired the
San Francisco Examiner. There he stayed for over 20 years. All the while
Bierce wrote war stories, horror stories, novels, and short stories of the
mysterious and the macabre. Apparently he wrote because he had to, to get it
out, to deal with it, to survive the impact of the Civil War on his life - he
had to tell of the headless corpses, the boar-eaten bodies of the fallen men,
the blood, the screams. Bierce wrote of the insanity to keep depression from
taking him. He challenged his country to become civilized enough to admit its
hypocrisies, pretensions and its crassness.
He always wanted one word to do the work of four. He garnished his newspaper
columns with "definitions" of various words. In 1906 he gathered them together
in the Devil's
Dictionary which continues to be re-published as one of the greatest in
19th century satire. A sampling -
Birth, n. The first and direst of all disas-ters. Clairvoyant,
n. A person … who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her
patron - namely that he is a blockhead. Deluge, n. A notable first
experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks
without knowledge, of things without parallel. Heathen, n. A
benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf
of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy. Rack, n. An
argumentative instrument formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false
faith to embrace the living truth. Redemption, n. Deliverance of
sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against
whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our
holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting
life in which to try to understand it. Religion, n. A daughter of
Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
Reliquary, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the
true cross, short-ribs of saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the lung of the cock
that called Peter to repentance, and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of
metal, and provided with a lock to prevent the contents from coming out and
performing miracles at unseasonable times. Revelation, n. A famous
book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is
done by the commentators, who know nothing. Saint, n. A dead sinner,
revised and edited. Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy
religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all
other faiths are based.
Ambrose Bierce chaffed at this world as long as he could, but after losing
his wife to divorce and two sons to death, the asthmatic, superstitious, bilious
atheist felt compelled to write his friends of his premonition of approaching
death. Soon he would vanish with few clues. Most of his biographers believe, at
age 71, he went to assist Pancho Villa and his rebel army in the struggle to
unseat the corrupt church-state government of revolutionary Mexico. Others claim
his "life's fitful fever" ended in a Grand Canyon suicide. His thoughts,
his humor, his wit, and his social criticism remain.
Цитаты.
Some heathens whose Idol was greatly weatherworn threw it into a river,
and erecting a new one, engaged in public worship at its base.
"What is this all about?" inquired the New Idol.
"Father of Joy and Gore," said the High Priest, "be patient
and I will instruct you in the doctrines and rites of our holy religion."
A year later, after a course of study in theology, the Idol asked to be
thrown into the river, declaring himself an atheist.
"Do not let that trouble you," said the High Priest -- "so am
I."
-- Ambrose Bierce, "Two Sceptics," Fantastic Fables
Religions are
conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major
premises. -- Ambrose Bierce,
Collected Works (1912)
Nothing is more
logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind of
infidelity. -- Ambrose Bierce,
Collected Works (1912), quoted from James A. Haught,
ed., 2000 Years of Disbelief
Theology is a thing
of unreason altogether, an edifice of assumption and dreams, a
superstructure without a substructure. --
Ambrose Bierce, Collected Works (1912), quoted from James A. Haught,
ed., 2000 Years of Disbelief
Camels and Christians
receive their burdens kneeling. --Ambrose Bierce, quoted from
James A. Haught, ed., 2000 Years of Disbelief
Altar, n. The place whereon the priest
formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for
purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now
seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and
peace by a male and a female fool. The Devil's Dictionary
(1911)
Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and
zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. The Devil's
Dictionary (1911)
Brahma, n. He who created the Hindoos,
who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva -- a rather nearer division of labor than is found among
the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are
created by Sin, maintained by Theft, and destroyed by Folly. The priests
of Brahma, like those of the Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who
are never naughty. O Brahma,
thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo
Trinity, You sit there
so calm and securely,
With feet folded up so demurely -- You're the First Person Singular,
surely.
Polydore
Smith The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Caaba, n. A large stone presented by
the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca.
The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread. The Devil's
Dictionary (1911)
Christian, n. One who believes that the
New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the
spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ
in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. The Devil's
Dictionary (1911)
Clergyman, n. A man who undertakes the
management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal
ones. The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Convent, n. A place of retirement for
women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness. The Devil's
Dictionary (1911)
Decalogue, n.
A series of commandments, ten in number -- just
enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough
to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the
Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. Thou shalt no God but me
adore:
'Twere too expensive to have
more. No images nor
idols make
For *Robert Ingersoll to break. Take not
God's
name in vain;
select
A time when it will have effect. Work not
on Sabbath days at
all,
But go to see the teams play
ball. Honor thy
parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates. Kill not,
abet not those who
kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's
bill. Kiss not thy
neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy
neighbor doth caress.
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully
in business. Cheat.
Bear not false witness -- that is low --
But "'hear 'tis rumored so and
so." Covet thou naught
that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow,
got.
G.J.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911), some versions have "Roger Ingersoll"
Embalm, v. To cheat vegetation by
locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and
thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life,
the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and
incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic
burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who
ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching
his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall
get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and
the rose are languishing for a nibble at his glutaeus maximus. The Devil's
Dictionary (1911)
Evangelist, n. A bearer of good
tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own
salvation and the damnation of our neighbours. --The Devil's Dictionary
(1911)
Excommunication, n. ... Damning, with
bell, book and candle / Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal. / A rite
permitting Satan to enslave him / Forever, and forbidding Christ to save
him. The
Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Houri, n. A comely female inhabiting
the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman,
whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly
spouse, whom he denies a soul. The Devil's Dictionary
(1911)
Immortality, n. A
toy which people cry
for, And on their
knees apply for,
Dispute, contend and lie for, And if
allowed
Would be right proud Eternally to die
for.
G.J. The Devil's
Dictionary (1911)
Impale, v.t. In popular usage to pierce
with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is
inaccurate; to impale is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an
upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting
position. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations
of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia.
Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in
"churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of
repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as "riding
the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet
impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes
against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded for
secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To
the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor
importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made
acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain
satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a
weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. The Devil's Dictionary
(1911)
Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my
deity. The
Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Infidel, n. In New York, one who does
not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
(See Giaour.) A kind of scoundrel
imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines,
ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos,
presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries,
exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins,
medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries,
pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral,
archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses,
caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen,
canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans,
abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents,
capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors,
beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual
curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis,
ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens,
cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis,
mutifs and pumpums. The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Koran, n. A book which the Mohammedans
foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which
Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy
Scriptures. The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Mammon (riches), n. The god of the
world's leading religion. The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Piety, n. Reverence for the Supreme
Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man. The pig is taught by
sermons and epistles / To think the God of Swine has snout and
bristles. The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Reprobation, n. In theology, the state
of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was
taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity
of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others
are predestined to salvation. The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Reverence, n. The spiritual attitude of
a man to a god and a dog to a man. The Devil's Dictionary
(1911)
Theosophy, n. An ancient faith having
all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science. The modern
Theosophist holds, with the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number
of times on this earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not
long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single
lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose
to wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection; and the
Theosophist is so
keen-sighted as to have observed that everything desirous of improvement
eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to
except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were last year.
The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame
Blavatsky, who had no cat. The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Trinity, n. In the multiplex theism of
certain Christian churches, three entirely distinct deities consistent
with only one. Subordinate deities of the polytheistic faith, such as
devils and angels, are not dowered with the power of combination, and must
urge individually their clames to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity
is one of the most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it
because it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense
of theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not
understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that
contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the former as
a part of the latter. The Devil's Dictionary
(1911)
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